


on kisses and alcohol

by Passerbi



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alcoholism, Childhood Friends, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, They're 17, Underage Drinking, this isn't very happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2018-09-02
Packaged: 2019-01-29 18:52:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12637098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Passerbi/pseuds/Passerbi
Summary: They only ever kiss when they’re drunk.





	1. bitter, but not as bitter as beer

They only ever kiss when they’re drunk. It’s not quite for the reasons you might expect though: Jihoon and Seungcheol are both out, and the only thing they regret when they wake up the next morning is to have had so much alcohol. In spite of the headaches and dizziness and all that comes with hangovers, though, it’s worth it. 

Jihoon remembers the first night they kissed well. They’d been drinking and drinking and drinking, swaying to good music in a bar that obviously didn’t quite believe that they were of age, but still let them stay. Seungcheol had dragged him to the back of the bar, smiled, and asked if he was nervous. Jihoon was. They’d known each other for so long, ever since they were kids. He was wondering if it’d change anything. 

 

“Are you sure this is okay?” asked Seungcheol in between kisses when they started fooling around that same night, hands carefully testing where they could and couldn’t be. Wondering, through their drunken behavior, if they should take this further. “You won’t regret this tomorrow, right?”

Jihoon laughed - one of those genuine, loud laughters that feel so much more liberating when inebriated.

“No. No I won’t. This is okay, right? We can stop if you want,” but Jihoon showed no intention of stopping, going for light kisses on Seungcheol’s lips, again and again.

“I… Don’t want you to regret this. Promise me you won’t.”

Jihoon promised he wouldn’t. And he didn’t.

 

During the next few days, when it became apparent that nothing had changed at all after all, that they were talking without an ounce of unease, Jihoon came to wonder if it meant anything.

Jihoon knows that he doesn’t feel anything romantic for Seungcheol. Seungcheol has told him the same. They felt comfortable, amused even, to say fuck you to the societal norms, to make out passionately and not have to say they’re dating afterwards, because they aren’t. And yet the whole arrangement feels off. Maybe because Seungcheol still misses his exes, talks about them at length while Jihoon listens silently, trying to be empathetic but ultimately just wanting to drink more so that he can feel happy already. The pangs of irrational jealousy fade away much quicker when it’s just the two of them and they can’t form coherent thoughts anymore; and if they do still want to try to say something, everything comes out raw.

Raw. 

 

“I love you so much, you know? You’re such a wonderful, fascinating, talented person, and you’ve opened my eyes on so many things.” 

When Seungcheol starts to say those kinds of things, he’s starting to be too far gone. Usually, Jihoon doesn’t respond to that. He also rarely goes into how much he loves Seungcheol too. He simply forgets.

“What is it that you love about me?”

There are rare nights, though, where Jihoon tries to understand. He tries his best, even though his mind is also foggy, even though the music is loud and the people around them are loud and everything is overwhelming chaos and madness. Sometimes, he even finds it delightful.

“Everything!” 

And Seungcheol erupts into laughter, smiling with that beautiful smile of his. It fascinates Jihoon how at 4AM Seungcheol can still be full of energy, still be so happy, when Jihoon’s own artificial happiness reveals itself as a deep rooted tiredness and loneliness. 

 

Their nights out never end so well. Jihoon tries to support Seungcheol the best he can, but goddamn it, he’s small, Seungcheol is tall, and every time Seungcheol stumbles he’s forced to stumble with him. And yet it’s still always Jihoon who walks them home safely - minus when they cross roads, when they cross roads, especially at 4 or 5AM, Jihoon can’t seem to care anymore and it’s Seungcheol who, horrified, tells him again and again how lucky they are to be alive.

When they get home, if Seungcheol isn’t too tired, they make out some more. Jihoon on top of Seungcheol or Seungcheol on top of Jihoon, they like to switch, to play. And when it stops being harmless, when it stops being just making out, when their bodies are getting closer and their breathing is growing heavier, when Jihoon starts to hum pleasantly and when he feels like maybe the night is going to be saved after all, Seungcheol always insists that they stop. Jihoon doesn’t always. And every single time, when he looks back on the evening with more perspective, he feels like utter shit - because no means no but Jihoon still tries to push the boundaries. It never works. Seungcheol is stronger, to put it simply. It leaves Jihoon feeling blank - so not feeling anything at all, just looking at the situation and wondering how he managed to do it all over again, all the things he said he’d try to stop doing - the excessive drinking, the careless crossing of roads, the making out, the feelings. 

It’s all a big pattern that keeps repeating itself. Every single week they sneak out of his house and come home at ungodly hours, every single day they talk to each other like nothing happened, which for the most part feels fine, which for the most part feels worth it even, until that very specific moment when Jihoon wakes up with a headache and is filled with too many unanswered questions. Everything? What the fuck does that mean? 

There’s never any way to end thoughts on their relationship and the oddity that it’s become. 

If anything, Jihoon hopes that one day, soon, he’ll stop being so enthralled by the enthusiastic sunshine that is Choi Seungcheol. 

Then maybe, them only kissing when they’re tipsy, drunk and too far gone, maybe it won’t feel so, and painful isn't the word, maybe it won't feel so exhausting anymore.


	2. disgusting wine, but at least it's 14%

Seungcheol doesn’t like to overthink much. Clouding his mind with convoluted thoughts, it happens sometimes, when he thinks about the everything that is behind him and the zero that is in front of him. It makes him anxious, how fast time is passing, how everything is evolving around him and he seems to remain stagnant, with not one idea of what he’s going to do once he graduates. He fantasizes about having a miracle happen, an easy way out or a way out at all. Someone handing him an opportunity, just like that, that’d all of the sudden carve out a path for him.

Things don’t seem to ever quite work out that way, though.

So he doesn’t think. Locks his thoughts away for the most part and finds relief in surrounding himself with people that make him happy. Irresponsibly say screw it to responsibilities and drink every other night.

 

“You should stop,” said Jihoon to him one night as they were drinking goddamn awful cheap wine. “It’s a shit coping mechanism and you know it.”

Seungcheol smiled, unable to ever be serious. How did Jihoon ever manage to have these moments of clarity? It eluded him. Although...

“I don’t want to call you out, Jihoon, but you _are_ currently filling up both our glasses.”

Jihoon’s look of pure confusion as to why that had to do with anything made Seungcheol laugh harder than he thought was possible. He was glad Jihoon was with him, he was glad they were drinking together and that he wasn’t alone tonight.

Seungcheol really wanted to kiss him.

“Come here,” gestured Seungcheol to Jihoon, opening his arms.

 

There’s something about Jihoon that makes him so comfortable to spend time with. They don’t have an endless stream of conversation, they really don’t, in fact there are a lot of silences, but they don’t mind it too much. It’s okay to just be together. Eat together, spend time together. Laughing at stupid things and confiding in one another. Drinking, dancing, and hugging each other really tight when they do so, hugging as though their lives depend on it. They kiss too, they kiss a lot.

Seungcheol likes kissing Jihoon. He’s a lot more aggressive than he’d ever expected, but Seungcheol certainly doesn’t mind; in fact they’re even more in sync that way, letting themselves go. The number of times they’ve fallen because their sense of balance got shit after a bottle of wine and five beers. It makes him smile.

 

“Why don’t you just date him then?”

Jeonghan’s question caught him off guard. He’d never really given it a thought.

“But I… Don’t really want to.”

“That’s odd, because you can’t seem to shut up about him.”

Jeonghan looked at him with his all-knowing smile and Seungcheol grumbled a vague answer to get out of a conversation he definitely did not want to have with his ex.

 

Other people ask him, too. Not very many know about what they do together, but they still pick up on how close they are. It might also be because they’re both gay, which in a sense is slightly annoying, but at this point Seungcheol is resigned.

And how is he supposed to answer? To others, to himself. To Jihoon.

In the end he doesn’t. Locks the thoughts away. Locks thoughts and memories alike.

All of them, and in particular one.

 

“Hey, Seungcheol, Cheol, Cheollie,” whispered Jihoon in between kisses. Foreheads touching, eyes closed, arms wrapped around each other and world swaying around them. “Choi Seungcheol.”

Seungcheol opened his eyes and found Jihoon’s staring right back into his. They both break out into soft smiles.

“What, Jihoon?”

Seungcheol went in for a kiss and Jihoon gives in right away before stopping again.

“The other night, I wasn’t talking about the wine.”

Seungcheol frowned. Something was wrong. _Something was wrong_ and he could registrate it in his head but there was no helping it, all he wanted was to make out with Jihoon right now, to have it be just the two of them with the world lacking any substance, finally, _finally_.

“Shut up and kiss me already,” he whined.

“It’s _us,_ we should stop _us_ , we should stop this.”

And their heads were still close and Seungcheol’s arms were still on Jihoon’s waist, holding him close, holding him tight, Jihoon’s hands in Seungcheol’s neck.

Their lips almost touching. Wavering.

“I don’t want to,” and Seungcheol isn’t even sure those words managed to come out.

“I don’t want to,” repeated Jihoon carefully, as if he’d just read the words on Seungcheol’s lips. But it didn’t matter if he did.

They closed the distance that separated them in unison, not ardently, not aggressively, but instead, probably the softest they ever kissed.

 

Seungcheol tries not to think about the way Jihoon left in a hurry the morning after, which he usually never does.

For the most part, he manages.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this instead of studying  
> am i even capable of writing jicheol fluff at this point? the boys sure have a lot of feelings.  
> i didn't plan on adding a chapter but i thought cheol's point of view would be neat to explore. i made myself sadder. :D


	3. liqueur and mango juice

Months pass. They both start seeing other people, it stops being just the two of them. There are new friends and new experiences: good ones, awful ones, some sort of a chaotic mess, because in the end they are but two alcoholic teenagers fumbling through life.

They don’t have nights like they used to have anymore, they don’t dance to their music, they don’t get to talk and hug and kiss. Nor does Jihoon thinks Seungcheol cares to anymore. It leaves him feeling odd, because he understands all too well that Seungcheol has the right to spend his time however he wants, and if he’s not here when Jihoon is having a breakdown, then it isn’t anyone’s fault, not really. So why does it hurt like a motherfucker?

 

'Hey, please, can you, just, stay with me? Take care of me for the night? I know you have plans. But, I, I, really need this.'

He was on the verge of tears, or maybe he was already crying.

'I’m sorry. I can’t. I don’t have the energy to.'

 

Jihoon doesn't know how to process it. Neither in all his day drunk glory, or in his painfully sober bitterness. So he just doesn’t, not really, never addresses it and Seungcheol doesn't either.

Life resumes, time passes ineluctably. Graduation approaches. Jihoon runs out of money to go out and gets drunk on his own. Seungcheol avoids him.

They stop seeing each other altogether, catch glimpses of one another occasionally; there’s tension and it makes Jihoon feel nauseous. He’s pissed, though he maybe shouldn’t be. Why the lack of communication? Nothing happened, not really, and now weeks have passed and they don’t talk.

He feels like a miserable drunkard and wishes he didn’t have to feel that way at seventeen.

  

'Hey, love, want to drink a bit with me tonight? I have some malibu substitute. It was a pretty good deal, too. I thought we could share it, it’s been a while since we hung out.'

And one day Jihoon receives that voice message. He wishes for many things always, but that very day, Jihoon wishes his heart didn’t jump so readily when hearing Seungcheol’s voice.

'Yeah, sure. Ten at yours?'

Ten is late, way late, they used to start drinking at seven and stop at five in the morning, but he wants to gives himself a window to get tipsy beforehand. To calm down, to get the hysterical crying out before rather than after. He knows he isn’t doing things right. He knows he has a problem. And there’s something too fatalistic in 'he just can’t help it', but how else to put it? He doesn’t know any other way.

 

'Hey love,' says Seungcheol when he sees Jihoon. He has a smile on his face. Charming, a charmer, a charming charmer, and how at ease he looks makes Jihoon want to cry. Or scream. So much for calming down.

'Hey- Seungcheol. And… Mingyu, Wonwoo,' he holds in his breath for a little bit as his eyes scan the packed room, 'oh, everyone is there.'

 

Jihoon enjoys the alcohol mixed with juice and plays the guitar for a drunk and happy audience. Seungcheol is right there. Looking at him? Not looking at him? He doesn’t know, he doesn’t dare to steal a glance.

Eventually, he manages to forget for a bit. Manages to dance to the music, Seungcheol’s music, their music, and he dances to it with other people. It’s familiar. The lively chaos of a dozen of people enjoying themselves or trying, a dozen of teenagers all wanting something out of the drink and dances. Jihoon knows he’s more flirty than usual, and in his heart he’s also painfully aware of why that is.

When he starts kissing people, his own pettiness hurts. But the alcohol makes it all seem lighter, hazier.

 

'Jihoon,' someone says to him at some point in the night. The loud music had died down at this point, people are all in little packs quietly talking, laughing, smoking. Jihoon likes this more. 'Jihoon, look at me.'

Hands settle on his shoulders, tight, and suddenly Jihoon isn’t pouring himself another glass anymore, but staring straight into Seungcheol’s eyes.

'You should go get some rest. Please. Take care of yourself, a little. It hurts to see you like this, and…' Seungcheol doesn’t continue.

'And? Look, I’m sorry, Cheol. But what is it to you?'

Seungcheol stays silent. He can't decipher his expression.

What happens after, Jihoon isn’t quite sure.

 

The next morning, Jihoon wakes up nestled in someone’s arms. But as he lingers there, eyes still closed and head buried in someone’s chest, he doesn’t get up. Doesn’t want to check who it is that he is with; because at least, right now, he can pretend he’s where he wants to be.


	4. how about we smoke a joint this time?

 

‘Graduation, huh,’ Seungcheol thinks blankly as they all get their picture taken. It’s a happy occasion—and the fact that he graduated at all is still kind of a miracle. What he was going to do after, he had not the slightest clue. If it didn’t terrify him, it’s because he did his best not to think of it.

Though reluctance and avoidance probably wasn’t going to get him through much.

 

‘What happened, between you and Jihoon?’ would wonder Jeonghan sometimes.

He didn’t know. Ever since the party where Jihoon, amongst all the other attendees really, got plastered, they hadn’t seen each other. Studying for finals, or trying to. So it had been months.

 

A notification. 

‘ _Hi there. Wanna get together tonight? I’m leaving tomorrow.’_

Jihoon. Seungcheol freezes for a second, putting out the cigarette he had just started smoking.

Leaving tomorrow? He furrows his brows. Where to? Why hadn’t he heard about this? It’s not unusual to move after graduation but…

_‘Yeah, for sure. We can go smoke on the rooftop tonight at 8?’_

_‘Okay.’_

And of course, he was utterly incapable of expressing just about anything. Seungcheol sighs and lights up his cigarette again.

 

 

Seungcheol had been waiting for something like twenty minutes, though he hadn’t dared looking at his watch or phone, when Jihoon shows up on the rooftop of his building. He looks tired. Like he’s lost a bit of weight.

‘You bleached your hair,’ says Seungcheol, surprised. It had been so long since he last saw him. He had barely caught a glimpse of him at graduation. Jihoon still had his black hair then.

‘Hi, moron,’ responds Jihoon with a grin.

‘Moron? It was a compliment!’

Jihoon rolls his eyes but doesn’t add anything. Instead, he smiles and sits on the floor next to Seungcheol. It felt like they were doing their best to mimic old times. Like nothing happened, like they hadn’t had a falling out without a real reason and stopped talking for months on end.

Only had it been the old times, their banter would’ve kept on going for hours.

‘So? How have you been?’

Jihoon breaks the silence as Seungcheol was focused on trying to roll a joint—Wonwoo had shown him a couple times, but he definitely wasn’t any good.

‘I’ve been—ah fuck, this is bad,” and Jihoon snickers as the thing vaguely resembling a joint falls apart.

‘Let me get that.”’

Seungcheol sits back and looks at the dark sky. Not a hint of stars.

‘I’ve been okay,’ he starts tentatively. ‘Missing you, mostly. I’m not sure why we stopped hanging out.’

Jihoon shoots him a look that says ‘ _Really?’_ before going back to properly grinding the weed.

‘Wanna talk about it?’

Without looking up, Jihoon answers:

‘I mean, sure. I’m not certain what there is to say, really. I was in love with you.’

‘Was?’

‘Yeah.’

Jihoon lights up the joint and takes a long drag.

‘Was. I mean, we had this whole thing where we kept making out. I didn’t know what to think of it.’

Seungcheol stays silent, grinds his teeth. A bad habit. Seems like he’s accumulated a lot.

‘Then you started avoiding me. After that fight, yeah? If you can even call it a fight.’

‘I’m sorry about that.’

‘Sure you are. I do want to know, though. What were your feelings for me? If there were any?’

Seungcheol was looking straight at Jihoon, but he didn’t look back. He takes the joint from Jihoon and start smoking as well.

He stays silent for a while. Wanting to let it hit him before he starts talking.

Usual lightheadedness, like the world is spinning a little and someone just put a heavy blanket on his shoulders. Every senses start melting into one and his fingertips are tingling.

‘I don’t know, Hoon. I think I liked you at some point. But between the heavy drinking and everything else, I didn’t know what it was either. I’m sorry it went that way. And I’m sorry I’m too stupid to think up of pretty words to tell you right now.’

‘It’s fine. I didn’t want pretty words from you. I’d rather let us both be stupid for a while, yeah?’

Jihoon’s head turn towards his and their gazes linger into each other for a couple seconds.

‘We sure suck at this, huh,’ mutters Seungcheol, shaking his head.

‘Communication?’

‘Yeah, that.’ And they both erupt into laughter for what felt like the first time in an eternity.

Finally they start bickering and talking about nothing and everything at the same time. A declic that had, after all, only needed months of reflection, the prospect of moving to the other end of the country, and good weed.

‘I feel like we would’ve been a shit match for each other anyway, you know?’ says Jihoon abruptly after talking about their futures, politics, ghosts and religion and as he rolls up a new joint. 

‘I mean, right now? For sure. We’re riddled with problems, addictions and insecurities as is, and we’re shit at talking. But I raise you this: we’re both hot as fuck, so we would have made a _great_ match.’

‘This! This is exactly why I fell for you. This stupid, constant flirty talk.’ Jihoon coughs after a first drag and smiles. ‘You’re good at it, too.’

‘Thank you,’ says Seungcheol with a chuckle. ‘I’m sorry it never seemed sincere.’

‘That’s fine. Just kiss me and we’ll be even.’  

Seungcheol looks at Jihoon, falling silent for a couple seconds. Jihoon lights it up again, eyes still focused on Seungcheol after his declaration, a little flame in between his hands, in front of his lips.

‘You sure?’

‘As a goodbye kiss. It doesn’t have to mean anything.’

Seungcheol takes the joint from Jihoon’s fingers and leans over.

When their lips meet, it’s soft and familiar, with the taste of weed and sadness, whatever sadness tasted like—right now, in his drug-addled mind, it made sense.

‘It’s a goodbye for now then,’ murmurs Seungcheol as they both pull away. But his hand remains on Jihoon’s neck, keeping them close.

‘I guess so.’

 

They spend the rest of the night talking and smoking some more until Seungcheol falls asleep.

 

When he wakes up a couple hours later, there’s a blanket on him and Jihoon is gone, leaving only his lighter behind.

He wonders if Jihoon meant to forget it like this.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there we go. finally an ending. :D the boys talk a bunch and arrive at a bittersweet conclusion. 
> 
> hope you guys enjoyed. c:


End file.
